Some of life is frightening

I'm scared, I admit it.

My youngest son is starting a job on Swan Island in Portland tomorrow and he doesn't drive.

Logan and best friend Tom in bamboo

He bikes. I've already lost a child on a bike. And while I got away with thinking that it won't happen to me - to us - before it DID happen, I can't indulge in that luxury anymore. Now it's like I'm waiting for when it will happen AGAIN.

Because I can't trust anymore. My blinders are off. I see all the speeding, talking/texting, swerving, unsafe lane-changing, red light and stop sign running, lack of signaling, following too closely, cutting through parking lots, etc., that people do. All people: in cars, on bikes, walking. It's like every single person out there is thinking of just one person: him or her self and their convenience. I'm even guilty of it still myself sometimes, try as I do to be different.

Dustin, Logan and Colin 1992

Now my littlest boy is going to be doing more than just riding to the store or riding to school a mile or two here and there, now and then. He's going to be commuting at least 10 miles each way and coming home after dark. Through North Portland! Through tunnels, on roads with no bike lanes and with pot holes, and with cars that travel above the speed limit when even the speed limit is too high, IMHO.

Jenna and Logan October 2011

I went to the Bike Gallery today. I want to help prevent a second son from getting killed on his bike, I told the young man assisting me. (Yeah, I actually said that, with tears in my eyes and my voice shaking). What are the best front lights? Rear lights? What reflective gear? What tires to prevent flats? What horn or bell? What about mirrors; on the handle bars or on the helmet? What am I not thinking of? It was a not inexpensive hour.

Fortunately, Logan was not with me during my tearful visit to the store. I'm sure he would have felt mortified. (But hopefully touched on the inside). I know that he feels I am overly protective. Besides, what can I really do? His brother had lights, a mirror, a bell.

I feel entitled to being scared and protective, tearful and reactive. I can feel the tears behind my eyes and the tingle in my nose that signals they are near even now. If something happens to another one of my children I don't think I'll be able to survive it. At least not sanely.

I don't understand how I've survived the first one. The ONLY one. The ONLY ONE. THE ONLY ONE. (Breathe. Everything will be okay. Everything. will. be. okay).

Hit and run rips off the scabs

This morning I happened to drive a different way to work. Getting off SR 500 at Andresen was backed up and I soon saw why. Police had cordoned off the intersection of Andresen and Fourth Plain and were allowing traffic through just north and south bound.

Closer, I saw all the numbered markers and paint markings on the road. I know from experience that when there is a crash, they typically don't do this if there is not some type of suspected criminal element involved. "Just an 'accident'" (even if it involves death) does not warrant this level of attention to detail.

Immediately, with my heart sinking into my stomach which then shriveled into a hard, tight, nauseous feeling knot, I thought, "oh, no, not another hit and run." I pulled into the McDonald's parking lot just to the south of the intersection to calm down. But instead, I just felt more sick because at the back of the lot was a big Suburban surrounded by police and police tape.

A man in the parking lot told me there had been a hit and run. Another hit and run...which of course is what I expected to hear. And the white Suburban was the suspected vehicle involved.

It is hard to explain how hearing of more tragedy, and especially with witnessing some of the aftermath, can bring all of the devastating feelings up again front and center. Grief, rage, despair, helplessness. Rage. Helplessness. Helplessness. Hopelessness. Wanting to cry and wail and scream and break things. Wanting to sink to the ground in a puddle of tears. Feelings are weird, how they can make you feel like collapsing and raging at the same time.

But I am not only the mother of a young man taken out way ahead of his time, I am an activist. I am an active activist who is outraged and sickened by the continuing devastation on our roads and especially by the morally-corrupt people who can leave another human being dead and/or dying on the road alone.

So, I approached the KGW news crew on scene. I told them why I was crying and how I was not just your average onlooker at the scene of a crash. Naturally, I made my story interesting enough that I ended up being interviewed (should be on the Channel 8 at noon). Just coincidentally I had all my activist presentation materials in the car because I hadn't taken them out after going to the Portland Transportation Town Halls recently. So they took some pictures of these items, too (except the bike, I didn't take it out).

And I did of course talk about Medina Alert, the program out of Denver to quickly get information regarding hit-and-runs out to the public for help solving them.

I hope, I hope, I hope that somehow, some way we can stop these preventable tragedies from devastating more lives, that we can not let anyone callous enough to leave a person like roadkill get away with it if we know about it, that we can get consequences that fit the crime into place. I know that good people sometimes do bad things, like hitting someone while texting/talking or driving impaired or just not giving driving the serious attention it deserves, but a person is no longer a good person when they leave. They are cruel, inhumane, selfish, despicable, and disgusting. And apparently they are all around us and we don't even have a clue. 

Everyone's a Pedestrian...even if you don't know it

I eat, sleep, and breathe traffic safety. Not only do I try to influence others to change their driving behaviors and habits to better protect everyone on the roads, but I really, really try hard to be the best that I can be, too. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out that way.

Two weeks ago I attended my second Portland Transportation Safety Town Hall. I set up my display - Dustin's bike and a presentation board of pictures, police reports, newspaper articles, etc. - for the local residents and other interested parties. There was lots of audience participation that night, including my pitch that if we all obey the traffic safety rules, show courtesy, and drive for the conditions, we would save lives and there would be more money and resources for other things (just think what the 15 or so officers involved in Dustin's fatal collision could have been doing instead).

As I packed up my display afterward, a woman approached. She wanted me to know that she nearly hit me with her car before the meeting started. She said, "You were jaywalking and are wearing dark clothing. I was not speeding. I checked to make sure; I wasn't speeding."

When I got to the meeting, I parallel parked across the street. I lifted Dustin's bike up onto my shoulder, checked to make sure no cars were coming, and started across the street. Then a car turned onto the road behind me and I hurried to get out of the way.

When this woman called me a jaywalker in dark clothing, I felt instant shame. And confusion, too. I was wearing dark clothing. I did cross the street in the middle of the block. I did not consciously think of myself as a pedestrian at the time because I simply walked from my car, crossed the street and went into the building. It didn't dawn on me to walk the 40 or 50 feet back to the intersection, cross there, then walk another 40/50 feet to get to where I ended up crossing directly from the car. It wasn't a matter of being lazy or making a decision that I didn't want to carry that heavy, awkward bike any farther than I had to. It just seemed like the natural thing to do. It was so natural, it was almost unconscious.

This was not a busy street. It was a side street with businesses that ended in a cul-de-sac. It was 6:30 p.m., dark, and the only traffic was going to the same place I was going. Because I was early, there wasn't even much of that.

Being called a jaywalker really jarred me. I felt like a failure, a fraud trying to get people to do what I couldn't even do myself. If I can't learn, how can I expect anyone else to? Plus...add in confusion. Initially I didn't even perceive that I'd done anything wrong. Then I didn't really think I had done anything everyone else wouldn't have done.

Should I have put on reflective or light clothing to walk such a short distance? Should I have gone 100 feet out of my way to cross a little traveled road at the intersection? I suppose I should have. But this means that if I want to visit my neighbor across the street, I should walk about 2 blocks to the intersection and cross there, then do the same on the way back, essentially walking 8 blocks just to get to my neighbor whose front door is 150 feet from mine.

I still haven't come to terms with this. And being as dedicated to traffic safety as I am - eating, sleeping, breathing it - this incident knocked me down. Literally. I spent the next day in bed crying off and on. Overreaction? Craziness?

Prisoners are people, too

About two months ago, a Dept. of Corrections Victim’s Services employee asked if I would speak at a Victim Impact Panel. This panel would feature four victims, about 20 prisoners, and several facilitators, and… it would be interactive. We would talk back and forth with the inmates. I immediately agreed. 

This morning I felt sick to my stomach, nervous, thinking the worst, not wanting to go. These criminals would probably think I was weak for forgiving the man who killed my son. They’d probably think that Dustin, a man who wanted equality for all people, who championed the underdog, was foolish. What was I thinking putting us both out there like that? The last thing I needed was for either of us or the rest of our family to be victimized yet again.

I arrived at Oregon State Correctional Institution at about 9:30. Right away a metal sculpture on the premises stripped away my fears: a large giraffe... with a Rudolph nose and antlers. (I collect giraffes and I took this as a good sign). 

The other three speakers and I were led through the gatehouse and into the prison. We were told that the participating inmates had been convicted of a wide range of crimes and that some would eventually be released from prison while others wouldn’t. We were separated into two groups: 2 victims, 9 offenders, and 3 facilitators sitting in a big circle. The men looked like anyone you’d meet in public: Steve, Jeff, Robin, Moe, Steve (another), Hawking (?), and four others whose names I can’t remember even though I tried (I’m taking notes next time!).

The other victim, Kay, went first since she was “experienced” at this type of panel. She talked about her and her children’s victimization at the hands of several abusive partners. She could have been talking about mine and my kids’ lives. My favorite part was when she told a story of how, after years of support groups and therapy and being on her own, she finally got the courage to fulfill a life-long dream: owning and riding a motorcycle all by herself. It was very uplifting and inspiring.

Then it was my turn. I talked a little about how I was raised, how my kids were raised, about Dustin specifically in more detail, and what happened to him. I told what’s happened since he died, including meeting the young man who killed him, and my public speaking. I told them how I am a little crazy sometimes. It was emotional and I got a little teary and had to take big breaths to be able to go on.

I wish I could have recorded what happened next or at least that I could remember better. Except for the topics and where we were at, it was like talking to caring friends over a meal. In a very candid manner, each man expressed their appreciation for our being there, for being brave enough and caring enough to make ourselves vulnerable to them. They shared who they were in their own small or big ways and how certain things we had shared impacted them. One man told how at the age of 13 when he was a gang wannabe, he and his brother killed the man who had been abusing their mother and how things had just gotten worse from there; he wishes he could talk to his mother but she won’t have anything to do with him.

Another young man said he has a 24 year old sister who keeps on drinking and driving, what would I say to her? She doesn’t understand the risks she is taking, he said, how much it would hurt others if something happened. About a half hour after I told him what I would say, another inmate addressed him directly and said he’d ask her if she’d put one bullet in a gun and then go out into public and just randomly shoot it.

Most wanted to know how Kay and I could be forgiving, how we had gotten to where we are, what we wanted now. Someone stated that after Ashawntae had asked me to help him get his driver’s license back, that that would have been the end of forgiveness for him. Another put Ashawntae’s asking for help with his driver’s license in a new light, he said he wanted to possibly give me another perspective: maybe it wasn’t as selfish as it sounded. One of the men wanted to know what I would do if Ashawntae didn’t want the same things for his life that I want for him. He said this to not only include if Ashawntae goes back to a life of crime, but just has different values and goals in general.

Family First Caregiver Appreciation Event

A couple men talked about how they wished they could talk to their victims, how they long for that opportunity to apologize and explain and try to help some of the pain. Several people talked about Family First, a program started by inmates to promote the importance of family and involvement as a way of getting and staying on track, among other things.

Much of what happened today is left out of this blog. I can’t adequately say what really happened in that room. Even the stories I told aren’t the whole stories and my re-telling of stories or questions lacks the emotion, the intent, the human quality of the person talking. It is impossible to explain why or how these men had me in tears, had me thinking that I was the one there to learn and to grow and to become more compassionate. 

They made me want to change even more than I already had. Their words and their demeanor and their expressions have me re-thinking many things I thought I knew about people. In a recent opinion piece in the local paper, I wrote that “people understand grief to the degree that they themselves have experienced it.” Today I had the wake-up call that that is true for everything. 

I’m not going to go so far as to say that I thought I knew what these men would be like, but I worried about what they would be like and not a single moment beforehand did I think of them as people like you and me. I never thought they could be insightful before listening to me. I had a lot to teach them, a lot to get them to think about, hopefully our story could help to convince them to change their ways. And they might think I’m weak and Dustin foolish (so why bother even talking to them?). That’s what I thought.

Who would have imagined that an intimate conversation with a bunch of convicted felons would leave me wondering how I can be more loving, more understanding, more compassionate? Who could have thought that these imprisoned men who have lost so many freedoms and have hurt people, taught me about life and people today?

I am able to appreciate this whenever I want!

A life-saving lesson learned at 17

This is a follow up to my last blog about the teenager who sat in on one of the Victim Impact Panels after he had a minor drunk driving crash. His parent shared this with me:

"I think I told you that an off duty officer stopped to help A. Part of A.'s punishment was that he had to write to the officer and tell him what he had learned from the experience. A. gave me the letter he wrote today and I thought I'd share it with you. A. didn't use any names but it was obvious that out of all the people he heard you and Dustin are the two that stuck in his mind. It is rather blunt, I hope that it does not hurt you to read how he worded it. I just think it's important that you realize the impact you and Dustin truly made on him. If you can leave this impression on a 17 year old boy imagine the impression you can make with an adult.

"Dear Officer,

"I'm really sorry for doing what I did. I've realized that driving intoxicated is very dangerous to myself and more importantly to others. I was lucky, I could of killed or injured myself or worse, I could of killed or injured someone else.

"Going to that class I saw a kid's mom up there talking about how their kid died by a drunk driver, she brought her son in a box and told her story about her son. When I saw the box and saw the lady's face I thought that could have been me that put someone's kid in a box.

"It could have been me that's causing someone's family so much pain.

"I'm sorry for what I did and I'm sorry to all of the mother's and families that had to go through that. All I can say is that I give you my word I'll never do a stupid and reckless thing like that again. I would never wanna be that person that took someone else's kid's life or anyone's. I don't think I could live with myself knowing I took someone else's life away. 

"I'd like to thank you for giving me a 2nd chance.

"Sincerely,

"A"


A. is an example to us all. We can be open to admitting that bad things happen because of poor decisions, that we ourselves have made poor decisions that could have ended very badly, and that we can make a firm decision to stop doing those things again.

I really believe that most of us engage in "it won't happen to me" and "it's too horrible to think about so I'm not going to" thinking. That allows us to remain in our protective little bubble of denial about how we may be endangering ourselves or others and keeps us from even considering that we might need to change what we do. We all do it. I did it. Sometimes I still catch myself doing stupid, dangerous stuff on the road. But not nearly as much...

The tens of thousands of deaths and millions of injuries annually due to inattentive and just plain selfish driving behaviors do not have to be the cost of the convenience of driving. But we talk ourselves into believing it because it's easier than changing. Make the change. Could you live with yourself knowing you took someone else's life away, like A. said?

I reached out and someone reached back

We are making a difference, Dustin and I. The following is part of an email I received after speaking at Oregon Impact's DUII Victim Impact Panel earlier this month. The writer attended with her teenage son after he was in a drunk driving incident which did not involve police; this was her action as a parent to help him learn the possible consequences of his actions.

"...A. was very quiet at the meeting. He really didn’t want to go and he did not express much while sitting there. When the meeting was over, we left and on our drive home A. began to open up and we discussed you and Dustin. He related to Dustin as he too rides a bike and he never wears a helmet. He just could not comprehend placing blame on someone that has died. It completely blew him away that the young man that killed your son could “have the balls” to even worry about getting his license back. A. was appalled at the length of time that people were getting for killing someone when they made the choice to drink and drive; he said it was not fair. I do not feel that either of us will ever get the picture of you standing on that podium with your son next to you out of our heads.

Thanks to Julia Flucht of OPB for the picture

"You mentioned that you were saddened that only a few people remembered his birthday and that you did not want him to be forgotten. What you do not realize is that he is still alive through you, every time you share his story, every time his story saves a life. You allowed us to meet your son through you; it was obvious that he would want you to share his story, obvious that he would want to save people from his own fate. I will remember Dustin every time I look into my son's eyes. I will give credit to Dustin every time my son makes the right decision to call and to not climb behind the wheel. As parents all we can do is hope our children make the right choices, choices that will keep them and others safe from harm. Unfortunately as we all know, teenagers do not always make the right choices. I think my son learned that Mom understands what being a teenager is like, he understand that he can call me. If Dustin made an impact on A. and he never gets behind the wheel drunk again, then Dustin has made a difference in his life. If A. sees someone and says 'you can’t drive, give me your keys,' Dustin has made a difference. 

KATU's coverage of Oregon Impact's MIP Victim Impact Panel (featuring me)

"I hope my email will bring you some peace that you will realize that Dustin may not be here in the flesh but that he is speaking through you. He is saving the lives of others and he will forever live on through you and everyone that his story touches."

I cried after reading this. Sometimes I struggle with confidence, wondering if anyone really hears me, if my telling of our story is compelling enough to capture anyone's attention. There are some other incredible real life "story tellers" at these panels, believe me. But this mother's words reassures me that my most fervent wish is fulfilled: Dustin's life is making a difference...even in death. He would be so happy!

Shameless Self-Promotion

An award-winning traffic safety activist back east told me that what probably helped him more than anything else was "shameless self-promotion." With that advice, I'm going to share in one place all that is going on.

October highlights (I also did my usual 4-5 victim impact panels):
20. Received a facebook message from a Philadelphia journalist wanting to help me to increase awareness around hit-and-run (he nearly died in a hit-and-run in 2009)
23. KATU coverage of my Oregon Impact Minor in Possession presentation.
23. KATU coverage of Faces of Fatalities featuring moms me, Mary Cooley, and Tammi Beers
26. Adopt-a-Highway clean up at milepost 2-3 on I-5.
28. Son Colin's birthday (I love you, Colin!)

November:
1. Attended the (Oregon) Governor's Advisory Committee on DUII, was invited to also attend the Multi-Disciplinary Training Task Force which meets afterward.
4. Received email from Joseph Rose of oregonlive that he'd like to use some of my comments on a follow-up article regarding hit-and-run.
4. Presented at the Trauma Nurses Talk Tough DUII Victim Impact Panel.
5. Spoke with that award-winning activist mentioned above, Tim Hollister, who wrote the book Not So Fast: Parenting Your Teen Through the Dangers of Driving
7. Received an email from a victim's advocacy program coordinator who saw my presentation at Coffee Creek Correctional Facility, asking if I'd present at her organization and collaborate with them on victim's rights and education.
8. Sent an early morning email to a couple of safety guys at Portland Bureau of Transportation and got a nearly immediate response about partnering with them and the Portland Police Bureau Traffic Division.
8. Received an email from George Rede, OpEd of Forest Grove Leader and Hillsboro Argus asking me to consider writing a guest column on drunk driving.
11. Dustin's 31st Birthday and my second wedding anniversary (I love you, Glenn! I love you, Dustin!)
12. Recruited another mom of a hit-and-run victim to support our cause. Yay, Dawn!
12. Presented at Oregon Impact DUII Victim Impact Panel.
12. Heard that Oregon Liquor Control Commission is interested in doing a documentary on Dustin's story. 
13. Meeting with attorney Joshua Shulman's assistant Maureen to learn about my own website.Awesome.
14. Phone call scheduled with George Rede (see 8) to discuss my guest article including word count and deadline.
15. Attending the sentencing of the woman who hit and severely injured 20 year old Henry Schmidt. Henry's mom Kathi is also on board with our mission and Mike Cooley's mom will be there for support also.
16. My wonderful Dad's birthday.
17. My wonderful husband's birthday.
18. Presenting at the Clark County DUII Victim Impact Panel for the second time. 
20. Attending the Compassionate Friends, a support group for bereaved parents, grandparents, and siblings.
23. Presenting at High Risk Driver Class.

December high-lights so far (plus the normal five VIP classes):
6. Attending the Governor's Advisory Committee on DUII with Joan Miller, fellow DUII VIP presenter, hit-and-run DUII victim, traumatic brain injury survivor, co-founder of birrdsong (non-profit support and education for those with brain injury).
6. Attending the Multi-Disciplinary Training Task Force meeting.
7. Presenting at the Crime Victims and Law Enforcement Symposium at Western Oregon University
8. Attending the Worldwide Candlelighting Ceremony for deceased children of all ages.

There it is. My shameless self-promotion. I fully intend that this is really going to pay off some day soon!

He was pushing 30... and didn't make it

Dustin would be 31 tomorrow. And because what I really feel like is breaking down and blubbering and sobbing uncontrollably and howling and dying myself thinking of the loss to everyone who loved him and the loss to himself and how this type of grief is unlike any pain I ever could have imagined, I'm going to post some of the wonderful things people had to say about him.

Joe, Logan, Colin, & Dustin: Wahkeena Falls 2010

"Dustin was [very] eloquent. He was really well spoken, thoughtful, principled, and apprised."


"[He was] tireless in the fight for equality for all people. All minorities, men, women, children to be treated with equal rights and respect."

At James' and Elvina's

"He was confident and he walked with poise. The man had some real determination. He was such a good guy. He wasn't a kid anymore. He was a man. We loved Dusty." "Then overnight, the potential exploded." "He was really going somewhere. He was well read and thoughtful and the maturity and self esteem over the last year was palpable. Once he made up his mind nothing was going to stop him." "Dude, I never understood how much of my life you had become."


"[Dusty was] very well read, really politically astute. He was just all muscle because of all the work he did, and he had a great brain too."

"Dusty always had poise and a wonderful mind." 

"Unlike so many late 20'somehings in our time he chose to enrich his life instead of wasting it. He broke current norms and decided to grow up. So sad that we will never see the fruit from the seeds he had planted in his life."

"Dustin really impressed me with his passion for and his ability to do research on separation of church and state issues. It's going to be hard to fill his shoes."

2010 Gay Pride Parade (he designed the t-shirts)

"[Dustin's] passing has been noted by many who had never even met him, both in the environmental movement and the freethought community, which were among his many interests. For those of you who met this young man at the Northwest Freethought Conference earlier this year and saw his passion for bringing science and reason without supernaturalism to his generation, no doubt you were as impressed as the several organizers of groups in attendance who scrambled to get him on board as a youth liaison."

http://www.centerforinquiry.net/uploads/attachments/2011-09_CFI_Portland_Newsletter_.pdf

"He was an inspiration and an example of someone who not only had great ideas but followed through with verve and intelligence."

Board Members of Americans United May 2011

"Dustin was a rising star in the freethought community. He was fully committed to humanist values, separation of church and state, equality for all people, environmental protection, and actively taking a stand for your beliefs regardless of who that offends. It is rare to find a volunteer who had both the passion and ability to pull off projects such as he tackled."

 "He was so focused, and friendly."

"He was 'On Fire' ! ... SERIOUSLY!!!" 

5th grade, rocking a mullet!

"U were the only kid in our 5th grade class that wore flannels and rocked the mullet!!!!"

Loved playing soccer

"Dustin u were a great individual.. although I hadn't seen you since the 9th grade, the good old days when we would hike thru David Douglas park, have pinecone wars till we almost passed out, spending the day hanging at the bench and skateboarding thru town without a care in the world, these are some of the best memories of my youth."

"I loved Dusty so much. He will be missed."

"He truly was a beautiful man inside and out." 

"Members of local political organizations frequently got invitations to volunteer with Dustin at the Oregon Food Bank. He was full of life and brought the fun. He is missed in our corner of the world as well." 

"I was always impressed at how intelligent & sweet he was... I knew that he was a stand up guy of great character. My prayers & thoughts go out to all of Dustin's friends & family that are affected by the loss of such a beautiful soul. "

"On my 18th birthday, just a few minutes after midnight, Dustin sent me a text that said 'happy birthday, little sister. Welcome to adulthood. Everything sucks from here on out. It just gets worse.' Haha I love him and his sense of humor. He was remarkable. His impersonations were so funny and his laugh was contagious." 

Dustin and the "infamous owl"

"He was a unique individual in all the right ways. Dustin was definitely going somewhere because he had passion for life and uncommon wisdom."

Dustin was my oldest child. When I had him at the age of 18, I learned instantly that I could be "in love" with a baby. I am so happy now especially that we had the first three years of his life together, just the two of us (well, his dad, too, but we spent a lot of time together just us two).

I am so grateful that even though we had it rough when he was a kid, due to poverty and domestic violence and drug abuse and the abandonment by his and Colin's father, that he grew up into a man with such integrity and caring and compassion. And passion. I love that he figured out what he wanted and went after it full bore, that he wasn't afraid to stand up for what he believed in regardless of the popularity of his beliefs. He once told me that he wished I had taught him how to be assertive. I told him I couldn't teach him what I didn't know myself. Well, he taught himself how to be assertive and by his example I am learning it now. One of my favorite things I found on the internet after he was killed was a statement he wrote at the end of a controversial opinion on a blog post: "I invite rebuttal."  It reminds me that everyone is not going to agree with what I do or how I do it or even like me (which is hard for me to believe!), but I'm going to speak up anyway because it needs to be said and I am driven to say it.

Thank you for all the "I love yous," Dustin. It means the world to me knowing those were our last words to each other. I will love you forever.



 

Outside my comfort zone even more!

Today I finally gathered the nerve and attended the (Oregon) Governor's Advisory Committee on DUII. Many thanks to nurse Shelley Campbell of Trauma Nurses Talk Tough for inviting me, for showing her confidence in me where I didn't yet have it myself.

There were about 25 people there, liaisons and representatives from all kinds of different agencies across Oregon, including Oregon State Police, Oregon Transportation Safety Committee, Oregon State Sheriff's Association, Traffic Safety Resource Prosecutor, Addictions and Mental Health Division, Dept of Public Safety, Standards and Training, Driver and Motor Vehicle Services, DUII Multi-Disciplinary Task Force, Oregon Association of Chiefs of Police, Oregon District Attorney's Association, Oregon Judicial Dept, and and Oregon Liquor Control Board. An article I read also stated that DUII drivers and victims of DUII drivers were members also, but I believe I was the only victim's family there.

Chuck Hayes, Chairman GAC

At the start of each monthly meeting, committee members take a moment of silence, led by Chairman Chuck Hayes, retired Oregon State Police Captain, and now one of two national coordinators and a trainer for the Drug Recognition Expert Program. “It is for the people that lost their lives or have been seriously injured by an impaired driver,” Hayes said. “Let’s remember what we do here.”



It felt amazing for me to sit in on this committee with all the professionals (25). It was wonderful to hear the discussions that clearly demonstrated that these people take DUII seriously and really want to prevent further devastation on the roads and to families. It was clear that there is no clear cut answer to anything, that things that seem commonsense to me and a "no brainer" are controversial or unconstitutional or ... all kinds of things I'd never thought of.

Take (part of) the first topic today: the definition of the word "intoxicants." Should they use "drug"? No, that probably narrows it down too much. Should they use "any impairing substance"?

They talked about the increasing likelihood of marijuana becoming legal in Oregon and how they are researching other state's laws and what is happening in Washington and Colorado, what is working and what isn't and what surprises have come up and how to avoid them.

There was much, much more. Every person there (except newbie me) was valued and specifically asked for their input and given things to do. Everyone was admonished to "think outside the box." Everyone was encouraged to think about events or outreach that could result in media coverage that would increase awareness and knowledge with the public.

I was very impressed, very humbled, and made to feel welcome. Maybe I have more to offer than just being a bereaved mom. I'm wracking my own brain to think outside the box. I can't wait to go back next month.

Time is Cruel

"Time heals all wounds." "It will get better with time."

I've heard these words about the passage of time numerous times since Dustin died. In a way they are true because certainly I don't cry as often as I used to, I'm not caught as unawares by triggering events or words or songs or whatever. And when these things do happen, I've learned better how to deal with them so they are not as disruptive and upsetting (for the most part). But what has surprised me is the resistance I feel to allowing time to be a good thing. 

The first happiest day of my life: 11/11/82

What is more important to us than our own child? How can I even conceive of wanting to be healed of missing him, of mourning the loss of his life not only for me and others, but for him? The thought of allowing it to "get better with time" fills me with guilt because the only way I can imagine that happening is if he becomes less important to me. I can never let my child become less important to me! What kind of mother would I be?

So the passing of time fills me with dread. What it really means to me is that it is just that much longer that I haven't seen him, talked to him, heard him say "I love you, Mom." It just increases the distance between us and at times, like now, it makes me wonder how I can survive how agonizing that is. He isn't just on a trip or living across the country or even the world; I can't contact him in any way. There are just nothing but memories and pictures anymore.

Maybe time makes some things easier; I've experienced that myself. But now, time has never seemed more cruel.

Hit and Runs: the Heinousness Continues

Across the nation – and world – the crime of hit-and-run continues to happen. I’ve often read comments after these crimes where someone will say, “These are getting so common in [whatever area]." But it appears they really are fairly common all over. Here’s a sample of headlines and my synopsis of stories from the past week:

Cops investigate Great Neck hit and run that injured twin sisters

54 year old sisters, unnamed, on a walk at 6:20 p.m.were struck from behind, resulting in one with non-life-threatening injuries, the other in critical condition with head trauma and internal injuries. The driver is still at large and no info about the vehicle was provided. 

Hartford official hurt in hit-and-run crash

Terry Waller and Saundra Kee Borges suffered non-life-threatening injuries after being struck in their vehicle by a driver running a red-light around 11:30 p.m. The driver was apprehended shortly after and charged with evading responsibility and failure to obey a traffic signal. His stated reason for running? He had to go to the bathroom.

Hit-and-run mystery death in Atherton

Jeffry Zeman, 60: found dead in the middle of a street around 5:30 a.m. Evidence showed that he “had been dragged some distance by a vehicle” and “could have been hit several hours before he was found.” No evidence was found. The driver is still free. 

Trans Woman Killed in Hollywood Hit-and-Run

Unique McKenzie, 22: killed around 2:30 a.m. after slipping off a sidewalk into the road and being struck by a car. The police have video of the collision and have released video of the car to the public. The article referenced there being over 14,000 hit-and-runs in L.A. in 2013 so far.

Police make arrest in deadly hit and run

Victor Haskell, 53: killed around 12:15 a.m. while riding his bike home from work. He was discovered 8 hours later. Vehicle information given to the public resulted in Gavin Haley, 31, turning himself in at the same time police arrived at his door. In Idaho, hit and run involving injury is a felony with up to five years in prison, a $5000 fine, and one year license revocation. 

Detroit man charged with hit-and-run that killed 8-year-old boy

Darrin Wilhite, no dreams lived

Darrin Wilhite, 8: struck and killed by an allegedly speeding driver. Darrin and his bike were dragged “for blocks.” Alfonso Butler, 47, turned himself in the next day and is charged with leaving the scene of an injury accident causing death, with a maximum sentence of 5 years.

 

Man charged over hit-and-run death of policeman

Andrew Duncan, 47: a London police officer killed attempting to stop a speeding driver. 25 year old Gary Bromige has been charged with causing death by dangerous driving, failing to stop at the scene of an accident, failing to report an accident, and driving without insurance. Two other men, 19 and 23, unnamed, were also charged with causing death by dangerous driving and failing to stop at the scene of an accident. 

Police look for Malibu after hit-and-run

Michael Robertson

Michael Robertson, 59: died on an Indianapolis sidewalk because disputing co-workers were driving side by side with occupants of one vehicle attempting to hit the other vehicle with a baseball bat when the driver of the bat-wielding vehicle hit Robertson instead. The driver, Nikia Acuff, sought legal counsel before turning herself in. A passenger, Felicia Moss, was also arrested. No information has been provided on charges. 

Ghostbike at the scene of double fatality

Second cyclist dies after Chapel Hill hit and run

Ivin Scurlock, 41, and Alexandra Simou, 40: struck from behind while riding their bikes along a highway in North Carolina around 11:20 p.m. Scurlock died at the scene and Simou died a couple days later. The driver is still at large. There was no vehicle information.

So here, in a one-week span, with me just searching "hit and run," we have nine collisions that resulted in four injuries - one of them life-threatening - and eight fatalities. The ages of the victims ranged from 8 to 60. One of the fatalities stemmed from a woman actually falling into the road in front of a vehicle that "could not stop" according to reports, so possibly no crime could have been determined until the driver then didn't stop. What is notable is that of the nine collisions, only one involved vehicle-on-vehicle impact. People walking and riding bikes are disproportionately in a higher percentage of hit and runs than people in automobiles, presumably because there is much less damage from striking a person than a multi-ton vehicle, so it is much easier to drive away. 

All my research of hit and runs lead me to believe that people do not leave the scene because they "didn't know" they hit anyone or they were "afraid." They leave because they either are doing something illegal right then (drinking, driving while suspended, using a cell phone, driving recklessly) or have done something in the past which will result in increased penalties (history of reckless driving or DUII, are on probation or parole for a previous crime, etc). 

Hit and run is a heinous crime committed usually by people we would never suspect would be so uncaring. These people generally are our family members, co-workers, friends, or neighbors whose illegal behavior isn't apparent or of concern until they hurt someone else and then leave the victim(s) dead, dying, or injured while they head off to cover their own hides, hopefully (for them) forever.